Meanwhile, my life partner, English, has also been annoying the heck out of me. I don't understand him like I do German and yet I'm expected to just because we've spent so much time together. (And maybe because I'm an English teacher, shh) Well, you know what, I don't get him. He's hard to read.

I've been trying to be better, though. Even if German leaves me, English and I are in it for the long run. I've started a writing creativity course, "The Artist's Way," and I'm hoping that will bring us closer. I've also been reading English grammar books to help me in my job, which has been helpful.

I've really been rude to him, but only because I know he'll never leave me. I have a feeling he'll forgive me.

What is happening.

What is happening.

I mean, really. I feel like I've been thinking this for the past year and a half. What the ---- is happening? I remember being 5 and knowing I had 17 years of school in front of me. I knew more or less what I would be doing for SEVENTEEN YEARS. Is that safety or what. Sure, I didn't know what else I would be doing, but everything would some how be affected by my attempt to get a college degree. Now I have a college degree. And now? What should I do. What do I want to do. What AM I doing? WHEN will I stop asking myself these questions every day? (never)

What am I doing: Because I had trouble saying the word "spoon" in German 6 years ago (it's Löffel, by the way and I'm not going to tell you if it's masculine, feminine or neutral. Suffer.) I decided to rush into a life more or less revolved around German and Germany with no idea why I was really doing it (what reasons could there be?). Somewhere in there there was this bubble in my life when I was in Russia that I often forget even happened because it's so unrelated to the rest of my life. Then, back to my real life, I spent a year in Berlin on a scholarship and was some how pretty positive I was doing what I was "supposed" to be doing. I've been back for five whole months now. I came hoping I would still feel like I should be here. My German is so much better than could be expected, but I'm still unsatisfied with it and at the same time I think, 'Why the heck am I learning GERMAN?" Then I spend an hour working through my Rosetta Stone for Spanish. Then I open my mouth and something in outrageously stupid German comes out and I think, why did I waste all the time yesterday learning Spanish?

And it's colder here than in Minneapolis and I think, why am I learning German.
I don't have as many friends in Germany as in the States and I think, why am I learning German.
I miss my family and I think, why am I learning German.
Germans my age who only half paid attention in school drool out American slang in their sleep that's so cool _I_ don't even feel comfortable using it and I think, you guessed it, WHY AM I LEARNING THIS SCHIEßLANGUAGE?!

It's like having a boyfriend who's not good for me, but I still really want to fool around with him. I try to forget about him, think about how stupid he makes me feel and how he doesn't really support my goals. How he ignores me, doesn't really listen to what I'm trying to say even though I usually understand exactly what he's trying to say and am always an active listener. But mostly he doesn't care at all what I want. Selfish bastard. "---- you", I say. Then he tosses me a bone. He says he loves me and that I'm really actually very smart and some woman at a newspaper stand still thinks I'm German after hearing me talk. Then I wonder why that makes me happy überhaupt.

It occurred to me the other day that I could be this fluent in different language. Like, I could be fluent in Spanish or French. I could speak one of those fluently. Why does this seem so much more impressive than being fluent in German when German is actually "harder"? Because I think those languages would be more useful? I think I'm annoyed by the fact that there are no underdeveloped countries that speak German. There are some people in Africa that speak German, but not many. It's not like French in Africa or Spanish in Central and South America. Would I go there anyway? And when can I finally say I learned German? It will never end! Why did I start something I couldn't finish. I hate that.

I am so happy to be here and at the same time so annoyed. I keep feeling like German and I are going to have a bad break up. Just waiting for the shoe to drop. Some day he's going to do something that's really going to make me angry and I'm going to leave him forever and never talk to him again and these years that we've been together will have been a waste. And duh, yeah, nothing's a waste, what doesn't kill you makes you strong, whatever.

But really, he's not even good looking.

How can I complain when I'm doing EXACTLY what I wanted to do this year? Love is rough.

Being abroad is rough. I think that's what I really missed. This roller coaster of emotions. Without it life seemed boring.

I hate that things are so dramatic, though, but at least it's not boring. God forbid.

I turned 23 on Tuesday. The years are starting to feel like months.

Christmas

(Yes, that's Sauerkraut!)

Christmas Day

Snow - After Christmas

New Years

Aftermath

New Year's Eve was actually pretty dangerous. I'm now thankful for how many fireworks are illegal in Minnesota. Drunk+fire=bad.

WEIHNACHTEN

(Snow!)

Frohe Weihnachten!

Merry Christmas!

I missed Berlin so much last Christmas. Weihnachtsmärkte (Christmas Markets) have been my reason for living ever since I visited one for the first time two years ago. I love this "Christmas-y" feeling and I never get that more than when I'm drinking Glühwein and listening to Christmas music in the cold (but not Minnesota cold).

(Amusement-park-like Weihnachtsmarkt at Alexander Platz)






(Warm coats at the Kulturbrauerei)


(zum warm werden)

It's been amazing being at a school too. They "get to" celebrate Christmas in school in Germany. As a person who does indeed celebrate Christmas, this is great. I wouldn't tell congress to change how it works in the US, but it's certainly fun for me here and now. There were Christmas trees everywhere and Advent Calendars in every classroom, mostly homemade ones.

At one school there was a great Christmas concert. I want to put up more pictures, but I wonder how great it is to put up pictures of kids online without their knowing.

(This seems safe)

There were also two buffets for the teachers which I blame for my holiday weight gain in a very good way.

(Maybe a third of the buffet)


(The Christmas party for teachers)

At the other school a class sang a song, told a joke, or told a story in the second period of every day of school in December.

I was also lucky enough to be able to make Plätzchen (Christmas cookies) with Oma.

One type of cookies was apparently so bad that someone had to spit it out, but I'm pretty sure the rest were really great.

Vanessa and I also went to a Christmas concert in the Berliner Philharmoniker. One of the teachers from the school that we work at together sang in it. She was one of many, but I'm pretty sure she sang the best.

(Oh Germany, this is a fancy affair, Pretzels? You're so awesome)


(BVG)

Frohen Nikolaustag!

Happy St. Nikolaus' Day! This is the day that kids get candy and toys in their shoes. That's the important part. The bad kids get twigs, though, as a warning to be good or they'll get nothing for Christmas. Sometimes they put in a wish list for Christmas too.

I'm celebrating today by lighting the first two candles on my Adventkranz (Advent wreath). I missed lighting the first one on the first Advent because I didn't want...to pay for it. After the first Advent my Adventkranz was only 5 Euros as opposed to 12. Score. I supposed that means I get think about Hope (candle one) and Love (candle two) on one day!

I'm also going to a Christmas concert with people from work. Should be fun.

I'll also be enjoying opening all of my Advent calendars. One with quotes from the Bible thanks to an Aunt (I'm not Christian, but I appreciate the advice), one with Chocolate thanks to a co-worker and one with tea thanks to the Sagerts. Am I ever a lucky duck.

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The last of Thanksgiving and Fall before Christmas and Winter

Is it winter? I'm still going to open market today. It's December, there's no snow. People are still eating Kürbis (Pumpkin). I'm wondering if the extra batter for my pumpkin pie is still good or where I could find somethings that purees and what that has to do with questioning whether or not it's winter.

Today I'm going back to Boxxi today for some cheap fresh fruits and vegetables and I'll hopefully be back for the Trödelmarkt (flo market) tomorrow. These pictures are from two weeks ago.

(Cheese and More...)(123 grams of More please!)
(I love the way this guy to the left is looking at me and how I didn't notice it at the time.)


(I also like how this guy isn't looking at me )

And here's the last post about Thanksgiving. Here are some of my favorites of the hand-Turkeys the kids drew at school. They're supper awesome and I had them hanging up in my apartment for the big day. I may or may not give them back (well, ok, I'll give them back, I promised.)

(An American artist wanted to buy this one, but he couldn't afford it)