What is happening.

What is happening.

I mean, really. I feel like I've been thinking this for the past year and a half. What the ---- is happening? I remember being 5 and knowing I had 17 years of school in front of me. I knew more or less what I would be doing for SEVENTEEN YEARS. Is that safety or what. Sure, I didn't know what else I would be doing, but everything would some how be affected by my attempt to get a college degree. Now I have a college degree. And now? What should I do. What do I want to do. What AM I doing? WHEN will I stop asking myself these questions every day? (never)

What am I doing: Because I had trouble saying the word "spoon" in German 6 years ago (it's Löffel, by the way and I'm not going to tell you if it's masculine, feminine or neutral. Suffer.) I decided to rush into a life more or less revolved around German and Germany with no idea why I was really doing it (what reasons could there be?). Somewhere in there there was this bubble in my life when I was in Russia that I often forget even happened because it's so unrelated to the rest of my life. Then, back to my real life, I spent a year in Berlin on a scholarship and was some how pretty positive I was doing what I was "supposed" to be doing. I've been back for five whole months now. I came hoping I would still feel like I should be here. My German is so much better than could be expected, but I'm still unsatisfied with it and at the same time I think, 'Why the heck am I learning GERMAN?" Then I spend an hour working through my Rosetta Stone for Spanish. Then I open my mouth and something in outrageously stupid German comes out and I think, why did I waste all the time yesterday learning Spanish?

And it's colder here than in Minneapolis and I think, why am I learning German.
I don't have as many friends in Germany as in the States and I think, why am I learning German.
I miss my family and I think, why am I learning German.
Germans my age who only half paid attention in school drool out American slang in their sleep that's so cool _I_ don't even feel comfortable using it and I think, you guessed it, WHY AM I LEARNING THIS SCHIEßLANGUAGE?!

It's like having a boyfriend who's not good for me, but I still really want to fool around with him. I try to forget about him, think about how stupid he makes me feel and how he doesn't really support my goals. How he ignores me, doesn't really listen to what I'm trying to say even though I usually understand exactly what he's trying to say and am always an active listener. But mostly he doesn't care at all what I want. Selfish bastard. "---- you", I say. Then he tosses me a bone. He says he loves me and that I'm really actually very smart and some woman at a newspaper stand still thinks I'm German after hearing me talk. Then I wonder why that makes me happy überhaupt.

It occurred to me the other day that I could be this fluent in different language. Like, I could be fluent in Spanish or French. I could speak one of those fluently. Why does this seem so much more impressive than being fluent in German when German is actually "harder"? Because I think those languages would be more useful? I think I'm annoyed by the fact that there are no underdeveloped countries that speak German. There are some people in Africa that speak German, but not many. It's not like French in Africa or Spanish in Central and South America. Would I go there anyway? And when can I finally say I learned German? It will never end! Why did I start something I couldn't finish. I hate that.

I am so happy to be here and at the same time so annoyed. I keep feeling like German and I are going to have a bad break up. Just waiting for the shoe to drop. Some day he's going to do something that's really going to make me angry and I'm going to leave him forever and never talk to him again and these years that we've been together will have been a waste. And duh, yeah, nothing's a waste, what doesn't kill you makes you strong, whatever.

But really, he's not even good looking.

How can I complain when I'm doing EXACTLY what I wanted to do this year? Love is rough.

Being abroad is rough. I think that's what I really missed. This roller coaster of emotions. Without it life seemed boring.

I hate that things are so dramatic, though, but at least it's not boring. God forbid.

I turned 23 on Tuesday. The years are starting to feel like months.