What is happening.

What is happening.

I mean, really. I feel like I've been thinking this for the past year and a half. What the ---- is happening? I remember being 5 and knowing I had 17 years of school in front of me. I knew more or less what I would be doing for SEVENTEEN YEARS. Is that safety or what. Sure, I didn't know what else I would be doing, but everything would some how be affected by my attempt to get a college degree. Now I have a college degree. And now? What should I do. What do I want to do. What AM I doing? WHEN will I stop asking myself these questions every day? (never)

What am I doing: Because I had trouble saying the word "spoon" in German 6 years ago (it's Löffel, by the way and I'm not going to tell you if it's masculine, feminine or neutral. Suffer.) I decided to rush into a life more or less revolved around German and Germany with no idea why I was really doing it (what reasons could there be?). Somewhere in there there was this bubble in my life when I was in Russia that I often forget even happened because it's so unrelated to the rest of my life. Then, back to my real life, I spent a year in Berlin on a scholarship and was some how pretty positive I was doing what I was "supposed" to be doing. I've been back for five whole months now. I came hoping I would still feel like I should be here. My German is so much better than could be expected, but I'm still unsatisfied with it and at the same time I think, 'Why the heck am I learning GERMAN?" Then I spend an hour working through my Rosetta Stone for Spanish. Then I open my mouth and something in outrageously stupid German comes out and I think, why did I waste all the time yesterday learning Spanish?

And it's colder here than in Minneapolis and I think, why am I learning German.
I don't have as many friends in Germany as in the States and I think, why am I learning German.
I miss my family and I think, why am I learning German.
Germans my age who only half paid attention in school drool out American slang in their sleep that's so cool _I_ don't even feel comfortable using it and I think, you guessed it, WHY AM I LEARNING THIS SCHIEßLANGUAGE?!

It's like having a boyfriend who's not good for me, but I still really want to fool around with him. I try to forget about him, think about how stupid he makes me feel and how he doesn't really support my goals. How he ignores me, doesn't really listen to what I'm trying to say even though I usually understand exactly what he's trying to say and am always an active listener. But mostly he doesn't care at all what I want. Selfish bastard. "---- you", I say. Then he tosses me a bone. He says he loves me and that I'm really actually very smart and some woman at a newspaper stand still thinks I'm German after hearing me talk. Then I wonder why that makes me happy überhaupt.

It occurred to me the other day that I could be this fluent in different language. Like, I could be fluent in Spanish or French. I could speak one of those fluently. Why does this seem so much more impressive than being fluent in German when German is actually "harder"? Because I think those languages would be more useful? I think I'm annoyed by the fact that there are no underdeveloped countries that speak German. There are some people in Africa that speak German, but not many. It's not like French in Africa or Spanish in Central and South America. Would I go there anyway? And when can I finally say I learned German? It will never end! Why did I start something I couldn't finish. I hate that.

I am so happy to be here and at the same time so annoyed. I keep feeling like German and I are going to have a bad break up. Just waiting for the shoe to drop. Some day he's going to do something that's really going to make me angry and I'm going to leave him forever and never talk to him again and these years that we've been together will have been a waste. And duh, yeah, nothing's a waste, what doesn't kill you makes you strong, whatever.

But really, he's not even good looking.

How can I complain when I'm doing EXACTLY what I wanted to do this year? Love is rough.

Being abroad is rough. I think that's what I really missed. This roller coaster of emotions. Without it life seemed boring.

I hate that things are so dramatic, though, but at least it's not boring. God forbid.

I turned 23 on Tuesday. The years are starting to feel like months.

My room and general update

(-I'm so happy to be here! -Me too!)

I actually moved into my apartment at the end of August, but it has only recently started to feel like my room. I just need art and curtains.

I ended up looking at about 9 apartments. When I visited this one I put a star by my name when I wrote down my name and phone number next to the other dozen people who had already come over. They said the star really helped.

The sofa and two armchairs I bought on ebay for one Euro. Whoa.
Any idea on what I should name my new yellow cat (see rug) would be appreciated.

And I am, by the way, very lucky to know the Sagerts. They're the family of a German girl I met when I was 17 in Ireland (hi, Hanna)! They were nice enough to loan me the mattress, the table, the small shelves, as well as doing countless other things for me. I'm sure my Heimweh (homesickness) would be much worse without them.

(Yes, those are beds)



Oma! (Grandmom)

So anyway, this is the biggest room I've ever had in my life.

It's in a nice Altbau (old building) and it's with two great roommates (find my blog yet, Flo? : ))

It's in a great area. Very far from my work, but I wasn't going to live anywhere near my work anyway.

The Euro signs are where are work, the green house is where I lived 2 years ago, the volcano is where I live now and the 'i' is there I studied. And these two fucking little yellow stars I just can't get rid of.

Why is everything so crazy far from where I want to live?

It's really been ok, though. I only have to change trains once, which just gives me time to people watch and read. At the moment I'm reading Russian Disco by Wladimir Kaminer, I very much recommend it. It's particularly great if you know Berlin.
I've finally opened a library account (I needed my visa first). It's amazing, they have all sorts of books and magazines for German as a second language (DaF). I'm also reading these Deutsch Perfect magazines from the last couple of years, I really wanted them before but they're like 6 Euros. They're really great, because they give definitions of the hard words in German at the bottom of the page and all the topics have to do with Germany (obviously). Also highly recommended.
I also took out a beginners French book and CD, a book on how to write love letters in German, which is pretty hilarious, and at least 6 other books. Two weeks for magazines and 4 weeks for books. Seems reasonable. They charge you 2 Euros for anything that's on the bestsellers list, so it's going to be classics and just plain old books for me, but that's fine.

Berlin's changed a little bit. It's always so weird when I see something new. This guy here for example was not there before (see picture at the top of this page). Not SO many things are different, but I also just forgot how some things are and I'm not going to pretend it didn't take a little effort to get used to everything again. A lot of my friends had moved away, I'm not going to school anymore, so making new friends is harder and just the paper work in general was crazy.

So having a couple Minneapoliser here when I got here was nice.

Micah BF and I got to hang out a couple times, including at the Fuck Parade ("less commercial Love Parade", sure why not).

Make it a parade against Nazis? Sure, as long as we're protesting against SOMETHING.



Then Micah left.

I also got to hang out with Kiley.



...but then she left too.

Now I spend my time working and trying to get myself to do anything else. I had been sick for a couple weeks, so I'm excited to have some energy again.

Be excited to find out more about the school system in Berlin.

Berlin...again?

This is the first time I've ever gone somewhere I've already been to live. I had never been to Ireland, Russia, Montana or Germany before I moved there. It's so weird to know exactly what to expect. Well, more or less. My job and future apartment are still mysteries. I've had the chance to walk around a little already, though, and have found it so strange that I know where I am and where everything is. Even here am Nollendorfplatz, where I'm staying at a friend's place, I knew where to go to buy food and where to have coffee. This isn't even where I lived or went to school, it's just a place I visited a couple times. I walked around where I did live last night with Jens (friend from last year) and was disguested by the change around my old apartment...I'm pretty sure things should stay the same.

I'm amazed that I haven't taken any pictures yet. Just wait, my friends.

So far I'm very pleased with how much German I've been able to speak, but still have to keep close watch on my self-esteem. It's been doing well so far. Keep it up, self-esteem.

I miss my family and friends obviously, but google chat is pretty amazing though.

And so the apartment search begins again. I've written about a million people asking them if I could visit their apartment...still putting off the people who only take calls. We'll see. It might also actually be a little early to look for an apartment...I'm not sure. People are certainly starting to meet people and consider people for September 1st, but I think maybe there will be a lot more options in a week.

The best thing that's happend so far happened the night before last in Kaisers (supermarket). Two, most likely German born, Turks had to look though my bag as I left Kaisers to make sure I hadn't stole anything and saw my Luna bar and asked what it was. I said it was from the US not Kaisers and that it was healthy and good. The guy wanted to look at it. I said fine, go ahead.

Guy: Where did you buy this?

Me: In the US.

Then the girl comes over, puts her hand on the guy's arm and looks at me.

Girl: But...you're not from the US, are you?

Me: Um...yeah.

Girl: But...but...you can speak German!

Me: I hope so.

She then turns to Jens.

Girl: Is she your girlfriend?!

Jens: A friend.

Girl: She can speak German!

Jens: I've noticed.

Girl: Her German is really good!

Whoa. Then I just started laughing and said thanks. That's a really great thing that happened there. I should go to that Kaisers more often.

Rachel did a Movie!

The 48 Hour Film Festival was last weekend and Rachel acted in it!

They got "Foreign Film" so they decided to make it German. I translated some of the spoken lines for them quickly at home before Rachel rushed over to North East to shoot the film. The credits, however, were all them : )

Watch it! It's great!

Thus….I do not have my bag lost… I have tried simply to think however finally have that not functioned… I must be simply sad….sniff. I have simply everything lost… mobile phone, portmonee, key, daily book, dictionary… my best friend, knit needles… and camera… ugh. I do not have myself always meant… I lose somewhat only thus I will be later SO sad if I somewhat very large lose. Perhaps that was it! Or perhaps not. But I would have been still sadder even last year. I for it decided that I am not to write on German… however I white that to most of you German can, therefore I so nicely my text by an on-line translator made. Ask.

hahahaha....

So...my favorites...

Ich habe meine Tasche verloren translates as "I do not have my bag lost"? That's...the opposite of what's true...that's kinda important.

"I do not have myself always meant"...theological gold...someone write that down.

Ich habe mich dafür entschieden, dass ich auf Deutsch schreiben soll - "I for it decided, that I am not to write on German." I think even someone with no german can see that that not came from no where....what's babelfish trying to do to the world? A not here, a not there...that kinda stuff could start a war.
Hello from space. We are not friends. We will not be peaceful. We don't not want to kill you, eat your babies and play with your stamp collection.

"Ich weiß" - I white....haha to know in first person is the same as white. ha.

And "Ask." I meant Bitte like there you go. Oh translator...you're no human that knows two languages well.


Now I'd like to not give a shout out to not you, yes not you, the reader! Oh reader...will there be not a bog anymore? I really just liked not to show not pictures that I not liked....no(t) more camera though...now I'm not going to not have to try and not be interesting....or not steal pictures from other not people....

...

...

not not not not not not not

...

not.

Back and...not really better, but at least the same as ever.

"We are deeply, deeply sorry to say that due to licensing constraints, we can no longer allow access to Pandora for listeners located outside of the U.S.
We believe that you are in Germany... If you believe we have made a mistake, we apologize...We share your disappointment and greatly appreciate your understanding."

Why don't people ever apologies to me like this when they've actually done something wrong?

Like the person who wrote this "Post Secret"...



And I'm sure it's no secret.

I can't even begin to count how many Americans I've heard of living in Germany that haven't even "bothered" to learn wie geht's. How ironic that an American would criticize the language abilities of others when Americans are so often stereotyped as only knowing, and only being interested in knowing, English. I've received so many surprised faces from people when they've found out that I speak German. This is after I've told them that I've been living in Germany since September and my German, really, isn't that good, at all, and yet they're still REALLY surprised. This is not a good sign.

I can't even think about the German's opinion of people living in Germany and not speaking German well without getting really angry. I'll save that for later. You're fucking talking to them in German the whole time and they speak to you in nothing but English and then wonder h...later, later...

...and months after winning the German-English game with my roommate she is today, after spending time with her brother and his non-German speaking girlfriend, back for a rematch. Let the battle begin.

Time for a short update!

German: I don't think it will ever be where I want it to be. Every time I learn something new I find another million things about German I didn't know I didn't know. Which is why I find learning hard, I already know there's a lot I don't know, I can't stand to find out that there's even more. Biggest goal this semester is to be satisfied with however much I can do and to remember that being angry with people talking to me in English will not make them talk to me in German. I will simply continue to talk in German whenever I can despite what language I'm being talked to in.
It is safe to say, though, especially after the all-English-all-the-time pause when my brother was here, I am still in Deutsch verliebt. I love the way it feels when I say a long sentence with all the verbs in the right place and in the right form. Not just because I feel accomplished but because it just feels good...it feels different. I think it's my brain working.

I was actually really surprised at how many words came to me in German first when I was talking to my brother. Pleasantly surprised.

Mmm...German.

Weißt du was du mir bedeutest?
Auf einem Platz in meinem Herz
Steht dein Name an der Wand
Und ich will dass du es erfährst
Ich werde immer an dich glauben
Egal was auch passiert
Manche singen von ihm
Ich sang die ganze Zeit von dir

Tomte. June 18th, Erfurt, be there.


Thanks to Micah's clarification that I don't actually need a couch to be a part of the couchsurfing community I have finally plunged in. I haven't actually surfed yet (I tried!) and I haven't actually plunged, but I've treaded some water. Nice, warm, interesting water.

First Couchsurfing event attended...free hug day...

Even though my heart...ok, so I wanted to find out what the most delicate flower was so I could compare my heart to it, duh, and the first result to "most delicate flower" on google is a website of pictures of women's vaginae and the second is a wikianswers page to "What is the most delicate flower?" in which the answer is "a loaf of cheese:)". Internet, what am I going to do with you.

In any event...my heart is...very delicate. Reaching out my arms to people who immediately reject my love could be tiring if done everyday, but all in all it was very warming. I often want to reach out to the sad looking Germans of downtown Berlin, I found it very fulfilling to finally indulge in this urge. Not to mention the urge to touch attractive Italian tourists.

I decided to go because I like free hugs but also because I was sure everyone there would be able to speak English. I thought this would be a good break for my brother. He took good advantage of the fact that it was an English speaking event by indulging in his urge to speak loudly in English at total strangers.



"Hey! Where are you going?! I'm from American! Aren't you glad I'm here?! I've been waiting for you! What?! You don't want to hug me?! WHY?!"

I was surprised that I found someone that would talk to me in German even though he spoke very good English...but I'm still not sure how far out I want swim when so many couchsurfers are only interested in speaking in English at gatherings. Maybe that's not true all the time, we'll see. I met some very nice people that I would like to see again.

Relationships...or language...relationships....language...relationships...
language...my eternal struggle. I want both! But I want!

ARE YOU READY???!!!

IT'S BACK!

That's right...pointless and endless rambling! Like you guys don't get enough : )

I really meant to write in St.Petes. But when you have no computer and the internet cost money...

But now! Time and internet galore! I'm sitting here wasting my sick time watching German children's tv streamed right to my computer. I'm currently watching two people get chased by a moose in a translated kanadische cartoon. Oh, technology. And now a little boy is being told what to do by two floating blue and pick unicorns...I need to get off the computer. And at the same time...I still just don't feel well.

Today is Thanksgiving. Hmmm.... I should probably go grocery shopping. Oh grocery shopping, bane of my existence. I just can't find anything. I don't think this is a german grocery store thing...I can just never find anything anywhere. But I'm pretty sure germany doesn't have salad dressing. Well, they have joghurt, which is supposed to be Salatdressing. Whoa, german is hard.

Hard Rock Cafe
This isn't your grandma's dining room, but it sure sounds like her Thanksgiving dinner: From November 22 through 25, the menu here will include the standard bird as well as sides such as corn chowder and pumpkin pie for dessert. Courses can be ordered individually or together prix fix for just €22.95 (including a drink). Book your table in advance!

Good god! I really just want pumpkin pie...must find...now....

We could not calculate driving directions
between 2600 Taylor av NE Minneapolis MN
and Freie Universität map berlin.


Hmm.


Where will I live?

When will I speak German?

Do I really want to live with someone that doesn't care that we can't really communicate? : )

Argh. Incompetence!

Must learn all German in a couple weeks?!!


That sounds kinda hard.

LPE

Section.............Score.......Passing Score....Total Possible
Listening plus
Reading.............52 - Pass .....44......................70..............
....Listening.......30.................20......................35..............
....Reading.........22.................24.......................35..............
Writing.............Pass......................Pass/Fail.....................
Speaking ..........Pass......................Pass/Fail.....................

Yay! I passed! Not so ridiculously horrible! Yay! I don't really suck at German! Yay!
(22/35 for reading may look bad, and it is, but oh well : )

YAY